I'm no Bill Watterson; this I've realized and come to terms with. I'm no Shigeru Miyamoto; this I've also realized and come to terms with. Heck, I'm no Robin Thicke, either; this I've also realized and definitely come to terms with. You know what though? I'm a pretty good me and that's all anyone can really ask of me. This makes me smile!
I won't paint any masterpieces that will be hung in the Louvre nor will I ever come up with a nursery rhyme or poem like 'Roses are Red' (although I did come up with a rather impressive combination of cuss words expressed in a sequence likely not ever to be repeated by another soul, but this strikes me as something that may not be worth bragging about?), but you know, I've become PRETTY EXCELLENT at certain tasks that inferior Dinos and Humans alike would struggle with.
PAR EXEMPLE: Putting on pants. I have gotten pretty gosh darn good at putting on pants! Every day, almost, I put on pants without ANY PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER. Sometimes I'll put my belt through the belt loops in the opposite direction which is by no means a problem or mistake but merely a minor inconvenience insofar as I prefer to buckle my belt in a particular direction. That said, I never put my two legs in the same pant leg and I certainly don't put them my pants on inside-out! In conclusion: I give myself 10/10 for putting on pants!
UNE AUTRE EXEMPLE: Walking to work. I haven't ONCE gotten lost walking to work since I started my new job! Even the first day I did it I did it perfectly on the first try! That's impressive, no? Hmmm... maybe I shouldn't say 'perfectly' because I've since refined my route to be the most efficient and enjoyable route to and from work, but certainly I've never felt as if I needed to consult a map, which I'm very secure in my masculinity to do if need be, nor cry out for help from random strangers or look for a Block Parents home to seek solace in. Nope, not once. For this task I also give myself a 10/10. See? I'm doing alright!
Something I need to work on though: Lately I've not been doing so great at eating cereal and not getting drops of milk to fall onto whatever Football Preview magazine I'm reading. Yes, I will usually drop a couple of drops of milk onto the bottom parts of a page when I eat early in the morning, but still, if I'm awake enough to pour a bowl of cereal I should be awake enough to eat it, right? I think this is right! Gotta work harder on this!
Also: Talking to pretty girls. This I'm still not very good at at all! I can talk to Stephanie fine but she's my sister and not really the type of pretty girl I am referring to. Now I'm not smiling so much anymore!
Here's an idea: Maybe this is something that cereal makers can work on: printing on the back of the boxes tips for talking to pretty girls! This should help solve both my minor page-wetting problem and my major fear of talking to pretty girls and, ultimately, loneliness problem? I would definitely like to get two birds stoned at once in this instance, if possible. That would definitely maybe be 10/10 awesome! I think the guy who did that would certainly be worthy of being mentioned in my introduction as someone I could never live up to being. This is something I could definitely come to terms with!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Hey, I'm not doing so bad, you know!
A Solution to the Nuclear Problem in Iran
Psshhhh, as if. Instead, a youtube video I enjoy immensely.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Behind 'Behind 'Behind the Blog''
Pretty clever, ya gotta admit. That said, with this post and not the one being rated, I have definitely exhausted the usefulness of this gimmick. Thanks for playing.
RATING: 3/5
Behind 'Behind the Blog'
This post can’t be considering anything other than a success, but I wouldn’t classify it as resoundingly so. I didn’t forget to mention any posts and having typed it in Word, my spelling is quite good. There was a lot more that could have been said, of course, but would anyone have really been interested? Also, it wasn’t all that funny… more of a window into my madness than anything.
RATING: 3/5
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Behind the Blog
‘A Year and Half of On/Off (mostly off) Blogging’
Writer’s block to start, can’t think of an intro, ah geez, this is really going quite terrible, ok, I’ll just jump into it then and pretend that grabbing your attention has never been an important part of an introduction.
As I was saying… now that I’ve been at this blogging thing for some time and some of you (ha) might only be discovering my site more recently, let me do you a favour and give you a brief recap of our time together and what, amongst my old material, is worth your time and what isn’t.
IT’S ALL WORTH IT. /end post.
No, of course it isn’t. If you are bored enough to read my old stuff, it would be appreciated to do so chronologically and not how the posts appear on the site, and to also read the comments in the rare, rare instance someone other than myself comments, although I do provide follow-ups worth reading, too!
(sorry, the jokes will come soon… I hope)
My original post, I got the idea from someone I know on facebook who I was creeping on having a political blog pretending to be smart and thought to myself, ‘hey, I’m smarter than this fucking guy’ and, after realizing that I did, in fact, know very little about the STM strike, decided to go all out funny instead of funny/smart/worth reading. You don’t need to know the Montreal transit system (wars) to get most of it, but it certainly helps. Side note: I know I said I'd try to swear less, and I will, but whenever I say 'that fucking guy' it's quoting one of the assistant coaches in Major League, when he says 'who's this fucking guy?' upon first laying his eyes on Rick Vaughn, Charlie Sheen's character. Anyways, it's probably only funny to me but it's the delivery that is everything, which is absolutely lost in this form but whatever, I've already typed this much and am not going back. Wow, this is definitely not starting off well...
RATING: 4/5
HIGHLIGHT(S): The MC Hammer image I added like 7 months later and the HOT HOT HOT FUCK OUCH line.
Dinosaurs > Dogs, but Dogs > People, too
My second post, I wrote this one up at work. The first, too, actually. HOW ABOUT THAT, EMPLOYER X? Knowing football is key, but getting the best joke of the post involves knowing video games.
RATING: 5/5*
If you know football and video games. Uhhh, duh?
HIGHLIGHT(S): The title; I still find it clever.
My first of what would be a series of throw-away posts. I like Hide-and-go-Seek and I own a Wii, so I thought that the two should come together. That’s about the extent of it. My claims of ‘genius’ might have been slightly exaggerated. There are A LOT of inside jokes/subtle jokes that very few will ever get, far too many to list, but here’s one: The Osama Bin Laden April Fool’s EGM secret was a tribute (can’t think of a better word) to the ‘classic’ Sheng Long in SF2 April Fool’s EGM secret released in ’92 or ’93. Johnny might appreciate the joke, if I still talked to him and told him to read this post.
RATING: 2/5
HIGHLIGHT(S): The image of Calvin behind the sofa, particularly how his nose protrudes.
LOWLIGHT(S): Suddenly realizing that a single panel by Bill Watterson will be greater than anything I ever produce in my lifetime.
MIDLIGHT(S): Hey, Bill Watterson was a genius! That’s nothing to be ashamed about, T. Thanks for the pep talk, mental T.
It was discovered shortly after the story broke that the photo was doctored; while the pig was still pretty huge, it was nowhere near the specimen pictured about. The kid, though, actually is that fat.
RATING: 4/5
HIGHLIGHT(S): “I'm fast, I'm strong, but even if the little punk has really bad aim, I'm a pretty goddamn big target, ya know.”
The update to let you know I have not given up on this site
Second throw-away post. For a throw-away post, not bad, it’s got a joke in every sentence!
RATING: 2/5
LOWLIGHT(S): Well, it IS a throw-away post.
Michael Vick's House got Robbed
Throw-away post #3. If this were a real blog with a steady flow of updates, this would have been a fine throw-away post, but sadly, as of this post 50% of my posts have been throw-aways, it’s not particularly impressive.
RATING: 1/5
LOWLIGHT(S): I stole the line about the dogs not being used for protection from a far more interesting and successful blog that I frequent. -1 for me. (but +1 for admitting it, since you’d have never known anyway).
Travel Blog Entry #1 & Travel Blog Entry #2
This post was my homage to my cousins’ travel blogs they’d send to their friends and family when traveling. I had nowhere near the patience or motivation (and means, too) to do so, so I thought I’d put these two throw-away blog posts up. Confession: I rarely read any of them, although I did read all of Helen’s on her recent trip to Africa.
RATING: 1/5
LOWLIGHT(S): I had some interesting observations to make about my first trip overseas that I had intended to post upon my return, after I completed my ‘I’m gone/I’m back’ joke, but obviously never did nor will. I feel shame now.
My Opus Magnus and by far my most talked about post. An image may be worth a thousand words, but I will not desecrate the value of the writing in this post by adding any picture. If you’re going to skip to any one post to read, this is the one to read.
RATING: 5/5
HIGHLIGHT(S)/LOWLIGHT(S): There’s no hiding how weird I am anymore, not after this little ditty.
Worst. Haircut. Ever. Good luck, good bye, god speed, see you in 2 months.
A throw-away post that led to an unexpected follow-up and my first post/comment combo.
RATING: 2/4
HIGHLIGHT(S): “Never more than today have I wished I actually was a dinosaur. Sigh.”
LOWLIGHT(S): I actually had a really horrible haircut for the next 2 months.
What I'm going to do today (thank you Worst. Haircut. Ever.)
The ‘Wrong. Wrong.’ line is meant to be read how Charlie Murphy delivers it in his True Hollywood stories about Rick James. I give a shout-out to my lone fan in Mountain View more specifically than in my throw-away post about not giving up on the site by mentioning his hometown. The post itself is nothing special; it’s the comment recapping my successes and failures at slacking off that makes the post worthwhile.
RATING: 3/5
That video of OJ Simpson I promised
Ah, a special post with a good line from my cousin in the comments section. The video itself isn’t all that great, obviously the joke about the mechanical Assassin making a stabbing motion after OJ scores is the highlight, but my proudest moment is the gay/ungay/gay way of talking about running the football.
RATING: 3/5*
Probably closer to a 2, but that comment gives it a 3.
What does a dinosaur do for a month and a half instead of blogging?
In a way, a throw-away post despite its length as it is primarily a bunch of youtube videos. That said, I can’t take credit for the rating as I provided very little of my own content here. This is also my most plagiarized post, and by that I mean it is the post in which I most plagiarized other sites where I found 3 of these 5 videos.
RATING: 4/5
HIGHLIGHT(S): The caller who asks OJ if he killed Bill Walsh. Trottier calling Bellows a ‘titfucker’ and meaning it as an insult. The whole Malibu video. The ‘Nintendo 64 remote control car’ line. The Benny Hill music in the bloopers clip. The fact that I could not screw up any of these great videos no matter how hard I tried.
Around the time of this post Pulse ran a story about how people in a Montreal neighbourhood were fighting the City’s decision to put some type of rehab centre for pedophiles in their neck of the woods, arguing it was the worst possible place to put it since there were lots of kids around. I was going to post about this, actually, mocking the people protesting since, really, isn’t anywhere they decide to put this going to be a terrible location since kids are pretty much everywhere? While I surely wasn’t going to come to defense of pederasses, if, as a society, we do actually want to cure them of their ailment/problem/disease/whatever you consider it to be after they’ve served their sentence in prison (where they hopefully enjoyed many an anal rape, much to Tom Dubois' satisfaction), a rehab centre of this sort is going to have be built somewhere, ya know? Closing your eyes and blocking your ears isn’t going to make the problem go away. Then I posted about bridges.
RATING: 4/5
HIGHLIGHT(S): I’m not crazy about the swearing, but the title wouldn’t have worked as well if I didn’t use the word ‘pussies.’ “You know what we did when we wanted to cross a river? We swam. And if we couldn't swim? We drowned.” The strike through in my reference at the end of the post. Also: not posting about pederasses and being mistaken for a pederass sympathizer. Woooie!
LOWLIGHT(S): I still don’t know where I was going with that cool/uncool thing. It keeps this post from being a 5.
And what is it with all this pressure about going out on Saturday nights?
Technically a throw-away, but it was the second post of the day, so I can’t put it in that category. It did give me the Eating and Fucking Seasons, which I quoted later on quite spectacularly.
RATING: 3/5
Four Things I Learned While Taking a Dump in a Public Bathroom
The title might sadly mislead you into thinking I’ve got some kind of great follow-up to my Best Post Ever, but it’s, that’s right, another throw-away.
RATING: 2/5
A great video that BJ and I enjoyed IMMENSELY, I regret not saving it to my hard drive as the video is gone. The lyrics are above, and are pure genius. I love fat white kids.
RATING: 3/5
I got Limited Profiled on Facebook!!
Maybe my personal favourite post, after the Natalie Portman post. I actually did get limited profiled, which is a bunch of some ol’ bullshit, considering how wacky (GREAT) my profile is and how I don’t block anyone.
RATING: 5/5
For once, NOT my fault for not posting
This is a 2 part post; the first part absolutely not worth your time and not funny in the slightest, but the second part, a great little run through of Love Actually, ONE OF MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE MOVIES (REALLY). It ends on 2 absolutely great lines, which I will not repeat here so as you can enjoy them as they were meant to be. Reading And what is it with all this pressure about going out on Saturday nights? is key to getting the second line.
RATING: 4/5
HIGHLIGHT(S): What else? Those two lines.
LOWLIGHT(S): If you haven’t read my blog before but read this article in full and are semi-intelligent (can’t be that smart if you’re here!) you may realize that I’ve already given away one of the two lines.
A long post again, finally, but oddly not that satisfying. I can’t put my finger on it (in less than 3 pages of analysis) but this post just never came together as envisioned. A few jokes didn’t hit as intended, a couple of topics drag on unnecessarily and the images don’t add much, and in some cases, aren’t funny at all. That said, it has its moments and isn’t completely without merit.
RATING: 3/5
I love Natalie Portman.
RATING: 5/5
HIGHLIGHT(S): Everything, really.
Old Man Winter: You is Old, Man.
Maybe it’s just my standards are too high, but this is another longer post that doesn’t quite hit the mark. The Jags line at the end was specifically posted for my cousin, who I’ve now mentioned 3 or 4 times despite the fact that she is #1b to my sister’s #1a ranking. The ‘Old Man Winter’ line was first used in Stephanie’s presence, however, so she can always take credit for being around for that ground-breaking moment at the Bar-B-Barn.
RATING: 3/5
RATING: AS A POST: 1/5
RATING: AS AN EMAIL: 5/5
Hey person who forgot to update their bookmarks! How's it going?
I’m getting tired writing these reflections so I can only imagine you must be getting really, really tired of reading them. This was your average blog post, something that didn’t take too much thought but had its moments. Remember how, about 10 minutes ago, I mentioned there are a bunch of subtle inside jokes/stories in my head in all my posts? Here’s a couple more: The soccer ball posted above was intended to be in the pirates post in the form of a link when you clicked on ‘globe-themed soccer balls’ which I was too lazy to insert. The use of ‘cross’ is an homage to Dusty Rhodes and one of my paki friends who does a great job quoting him in conversation.
RATING: 3/5
HIGHLIGHT(S): The title.
LOWLIGHT(S): It’s all downhill after that.
Why I don't like those nappy Zelda games
Throw-away post on why I never liked one of the most popular franchises in gaming history. The truth? I just find the whole series of games incredibly boring.
RATING: 2/5*
That's about as high a rating I'd give any of their games. OOOOH.
Somebody's boss should fire Somebody
After a couple of poor posts, a redeeming effort in the spirit of our naturally lazy and irresponsible ‘complaining but doing nothing’ nature. Oh, how we have been lulled into apathy by our ridiculous economic superiority and immovable mountain of bureaucracy…
RATING: 3/5*
It wasn’t THAT great of a post, actually, even with the clever use of Newspeak at the end.
This blog has too much swearing in it
Like this post, a non-entry entry. AND THANKFULLY MY LAST POST TO SPIT ABOUT. My cousin (sorry Steph!) started talking about my blog with our softball team and coworkers/friends and I posted this almost solely for the sake of any potential readers amongst them. AND TO SAVE FACE?
RATING: 2/5
HIGHLIGHT(S): The last paragraph starts off alright.
LOWLIGHT(S): That I felt I needed to post this in the first place?
For a conclusion: Conclusion? Yeah right... I think we can all agree that this is definitely enough outta me for one night, can’t we?
ROAA… YAWWNNN!!!
