Pirates are Gay

Don’t be deceived. Pirates aren’t cool – Johnny Depp is cool. Despite his best efforts to the contrary, Depp is but one lone man, and changing a legacy of fruitiness the likes of which have not been seen since the Egyptian Pharaohs ruled a bunch of useless sand land is no small feet. With all due respect to Maddox, a bunch of guys with no shirts on lost at sea constantly obsessing about jewelery… that shit is even gayer than wrestling.

I’m no pirate expert (obviously) but can someone explain to me what exactly pirates do with their time? I know they make a ‘living’ by attacking and boarding other ships and stealing whatever junk they can, but really now, without radar and radio and maps that don’t even have a Western Hemisphere, how in the heck would a pirate even know when and where any ship worth boarding is going to be? I don’t know if you’ve kicked one of those globe-themed soccer balls around anytime recently, but those big blue sections on it are pretty fricken vast, and your ship is, comparatively speaking, pretty fricken insignificant. Seems like a bit of a crap shoot to me, basing your survival on the hope of randomly spotting another boat by eye and then trying to catch up to and board it. Must leave a lot time for rubbing oil all over your fellow crewman and getting suntans together. And playing Yahtzee, of course.

(No way, someone seriously thought up, pitched, wrote, drew, inked, coloured, and published a pirates vs. ninjas comic book? What was it, 9 panels long, 4 of which were just the ninjas hanging around waiting for the pirates to awake from their drunken stupor? Dang.)

En tous cas, another facet of the pirate lifestyle that eludes me is the role of that ridiculous parrot. The parrot’s highest level of fame and achievement came from Iago’s performance in Aladdin, and even he couldn’t sustain that kind of public tolerance past one movie. Here, you have a big ol’ boat full of men without a single woman in sight and what do you choose as your only other source of companionship? The parrot: the gayest fucking bird alive. Minus the presence of women, they have compensated by surrounding themselves with the lone animal that most embodies a woman’s most annoying trait: the inability to shut. the. fuck. up.

By now you’re thinking, ‘oh, OK, that was kinda funny… not as funny as your Vick post, but decent enough. But being a pirate was like being a soldier, it was a heroic and manly way to live. Feats of seamen coming ashore after lengthy trips at sea and conquering the women of whatever town they stopped at are legendary. In that sense, they are like soldiers who have their pick of the litter whenever they liberate a town or leave their base and go into the city to pick up a pizza or some Fun Dips. They can’t be gay.’ WRONG.

Soldiers are brave and heroic men who have drawn the lustful attention of many a fair maiden in their day, but pirates? Give me a break! What with their nappy stumps for legs and hooks for hands, you think they ever got any without paying for it? The kind of shitty, run-down bars you always see pirates hanging out in are havens for the type of bearded, middle-aged, chain-smoking prostitutes that have more venereal diseases than Shawn Kemp has children. Being a pirate is more like being a prisoner than being a Navy SEAL, and we all know what happens in prison when you have a bunch of guys stuffed together in such small confines for so long… then again, prisoners don’t have the luxury of keeping parrots around to try and keep them straight, and I seriously question if pirates even bother to keep any soap around to drop in the first place, so maybe my comparison is not exactly 1:1.

Listen, I don’t want to come across as being overly negative here, that’s just not my thing, you know, but upon further reflection, maybe my accusations of pirates being gay are a bit off-base. Maybe, instead of being a bunch of flamboyant, cross-dressing homosexuals it's possible that they’re just retarded (no offense to the mentally disabled... plus, you know, homosexuals for everything else)? It certainly would explain a lot.

Think about it… what is with these idiots that they are always short an eye, a hand, a leg? That kind of thing can't be blamed on a lifestyle filled with homo-eroticism. Are they a bunch of klutzes? Or are they just incapable of adequately defending themselves in battle? Considering that’s how they make their livelihood, you’d think semi-decent hand-eye coordination and a proficiency in basic motor skills would be important to them, no? And when they do lose a body part, as they inevitably do, what do they replace it with? A wooden stump? A hook? Really now, a hook? Of all the things you choose to replace your hand with, you choose that useless hook? Not only does it look retarded, confirming said alternate hypothesis, it can’t even be used in a stabbing function because the bloody thing is curved around and points right back at you.

I mean, if I lost a hand and had to replace it with something I’d sure as heck choose something cooler and more useful than a hook. Something more akin to, oh I don’t know… a boa constrictor, maybe? No one with a boa constrictor for half an arm would ever be accused of playing for the other team, and he sure as heck wouldn’t be the butt of jokes of a guy pretending to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex on a blog read pretty much only by his sister, would he? Would he?